It’s happened to all of us, hasn’t it?
That trivial situation that makes us feel a huge ball of anger building up in our chest, rising up our throat, and which only goes away when we snap at whoever’s in front of us.
And before you know it, you’ve already regretted what you said, you feel ashamed of your reaction and guilty for ‘being’ like that…
Yes, it’s happened to me too (more often than I’d like to admit).
And that’s precisely what led me to wonder why on earth I have such intense reactions…
What are intense emotional reactions?
Intense emotional reactions occur whenever your response is greater and stronger than the situation warrants.
Imagine that someone else has taken ‘that’ parking space after you’ve been unable to find any others, or that a comment from your partner hurts you more than you expected, or that ‘that’ outfit you wanted to wear has a huge stain that didn’t come out in the last wash.
Sometimes, one of these simple situations (which are relatively common in our daily lives) is enough to ruin your day and can lead you to:
- Feeling sudden anger;
- Withdrawing from others;
- Feeling intense anxiety;
- Crying for no apparent reason;
- Feeling deeply rejected.
The interesting thing is that, very often, your reaction isn’t just related to what happened in the moment.
In fact, this emotional reactivity is simply your nervous system kicking in to protect you before you even realise what’s happening. In other words, you feel first and think later.
Scientific studies show that the brain reacts in milliseconds, automatically directing attention towards emotional stimuli, particularly negative ones. Furthermore, several studies have shown that negative stimuli trigger more intense and earlier emotional responses.
Why do these intense emotional reactions occur?
It’s not because you have a ‘bad temper’ or ‘anger issues’.
Generally, when your emotional reaction is disproportionate, it means there’s a deeper reason behind it.
Emotions help us to identify dangerous situations, when our emotional needs aren’t being met, and to make sense of what we’re experiencing.
So, your ‘exaggerated’ reaction isn’t just a spur-of-the-moment thing; it’s the end result of a long emotional process.
In practice, there are several mechanisms that can cause us to react intensely to things that aren’t really important:
Emotional sensibility
Fortunately, we’re not all the same!
Some people have more intense emotional experiences than others, and that’s perfectly fine! Generally, these people show great empathy towards others and a deep emotional self-awareness.
When left unregulated, these (powerful) traits can increase emotional overload.
This is why more sensitive people tend to interpret neutral cues as having huge significance, find criticism deeply hurtful, and react emotionally quickly and intensely.
Stress and nervous system overload
Imagine that stress is a bucket.
Every experience throughout the day fills that bucket a little more.
What happens when the bucket is full? It overflows!
This is exactly what happens when you build up stress from work, from other people’s expectations, from the pressure you put on yourself, from physical tiredness, and so on.
Each of these accumulated experiences overloads the nervous system, causing even the smallest thing to set you off. Ultimately, intense emotional reactions are the result of several factors occurring simultaneously, rather than just a single isolated event.
In situations of chronic stress, the bucket metaphor becomes even more apparent.
With no space to process and recover from day-to-day experiences, the brain becomes more sensitive and reactive to the threats it identifies (which sometimes do not correspond to reality).
This gives rise to the feeling of reacting as if the world were against us. In fact, an overburdened nervous system is simply attacking in self-defence.
Unresolved past
Everything we experience and learn shapes our personality. This is our brain’s opportunity to learn to anticipate potential threats and help us overcome obstacles.
The problem arises when these past experiences are not integrated.
It is as if we remain in limbo for the rest of our lives, searching for the meaning of ‘that’ experience which we still cannot quite understand.
It’s as if something is missing, but we can’t quite put our finger on what it is.
However, even if the brain cannot retrieve the memory of the traumatic event, the body retains that memory, even when you are not consciously aware of it.
That’s why, when someone makes an offhand comment, you interpret it as a personal criticism, or when a conflict arises, the fear of rejection or abandonment surfaces.
At times like these, your reaction is swift, automatic and relentless. And until you resolve what’s left behind, you’re likely to continue reacting so intensely. It’s as if the situation were happening right here and now.
This is one of the reasons that might lead you to wonder why you react this way. The truth is that the intensity of your reaction may be reflecting the emotional significance of your past rather than the present moment.
When intensity reveals something deeper
The intensity of your emotions may also be linked to deep-seated emotional difficulties such as persistent anxiety, depressive episodes or experiences that your nervous system has not yet been able to process.
In such cases, your intense emotional reactions may be a sign that you need more support.
If you feel that you frequently have disproportionate reactions that are difficult to control and affect your daily functioning, seeking psychological support may help you.
What should you do when you react disproportionately?
The key is emotional regulation!
This is an extremely important skill that develops throughout our lives and refers to the ability to understand, manage and respond appropriately to what we experience on a daily basis.
If you try to suppress the anger you feel or pretend it doesn’t exist, your intense emotional reactions will only get worse. Instead, it’s important to identify your emotional triggers and understand what your emotions are trying to tell you.
Once you understand the source of your reaction and can put a name to what you’re feeling, it becomes much easier to calm your nervous system.
In the long run, you’ll become better at recognising your emotional triggers, understanding your emotions and coping better with stressful situations. In other words, it’ll take longer for your ‘bucket’ to overflow.
What you can do in practice…
Make room
When you feel like you’re about to lose your temper, it’s important to take a deep breath and give yourself a second or two before responding. If possible, step away physically and respond when your nerves have calmed down.
Name what you feel
Scientific research has shown that naming emotions helps the nervous system to regulate itself by activating the parts of the brain responsible for cognitive control. The clearer you are when identifying emotions, the greater your capacity for self-regulation will be.
Recognising emotional triggers
Understanding the situations that set you off can help you gather important information. So, take a curious look at your triggers and ask yourself why you react so strongly in certain situations. This will help you respond in a more controlled way.
Reduce sources of stress
Can you identify your sources of stress, but don’t know how to reduce them?
- Try to go to bed at the same time every day.
- Set healthy boundaries regarding demands at work.
- Adjust your expectations to reflect reality.
Through these ‘small’ changes, little by little, your body and mind will learn to regain their balance.
Self-compassion
When we react strongly to trivial matters, guilt and shame automatically set in. And so, relentless self-criticism takes hold. We take offence, but we don’t give ourselves the space to understand what triggered that reaction.
If a friend or family member reacted excessively towards you… how would you react?
Perhaps you’d try to understand what prompted that behaviour.
You might even try to help that person get through a difficult time.
Why don’t you do the same for yourself?
Psychological research has shown that self-compassion is linked to high emotional resilience and low levels of anxiety and depression.
Accept that you are a human being with flaws and virtues.
Respond to your own behaviour as if it were someone else’s.
Your emotions are speaking to you!
Intense emotional reactions rarely reflect the moment in which they occur. But without realising this, you may well have thought that you have a ‘bad temper’ and that you’ve ‘always been like this’, as if it were an unchangeable reality.
The truth is that your emotions offer you invaluable insight into your past and your mental health.
Listening to your body and recognising when a disproportionate reaction is taking place will help you find the most appropriate strategies for each moment, so that you can feel balanced.
Perhaps the problem isn’t the intensity of your reaction, but rather what it is trying to show you.
References
https://sanlab.psych.ucla.edu/wp-content/uploads/sites/31/2015/05/Lieberman_AL-2007.pdf
